The people who are least gifted with the ability to sing are often the most likely to demonstrate it.
It takes half an hour for your food to go from scalding hot to edible. It takes half a minute to go from edible to stone cold.
Bloggers are the internet equivalent of mimes; even the talented ones are otiose, irritating and devoid of meaningful communication skills.
There's a movie out called Final Destination 5. I guess Final Destination 1 through 4 were just living a lie.
A consultant's job is to take your watch off your wrist and then tell you what time it is.
Apple will never unseat Microsoft as the primary operating system for business users. If everybody switched to a Mac, nobody could blame their rank inefficiency on mysterious "computer problems."
Bankers and politicians are the only professions that ask you how much money you have before they tell you how much you owe. Even prostitutes and drug dealers are more upfront with their prices.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Monday, August 22, 2011
Top Ten Most Over-Rated Bands
10) AC/DC
Why has "Back in Black" sold 49 million copies worldwide? Yeah, it's catchy and fun to crank up and piss off old people with, but, really? They're not that good. Brian Johnson sounds like Grover with laryngitis and Angus Young appears to have successfully scrambled his brain just like that "this is your brain on predictable hard rock" commercial. Angus isn't that good of a guitarist, either. I don't know how he gets credibility in that arena. I mean, he's better than me, but that's like saying that the local skater punk does a better kick-flip than me. In the end, who really gives a rat's ass about kick-flips except for skater punks?
9) Bob Dylan
Bob Dylan's iconic status should be the crux of every anti-drug program in America. Acid overdose is the only explanation for his popularity. You wanna know how to make fun of Bob Dylan? Just sing just like Bob Dylan. Got a little music tip for Bob: make the sound come out your mouth, not your nose. At least one good thing came out of his career: his five-second part in "We Are The World" is the one part that EVERYONE sings along with.
8) U2
In the early eighties, U2 had an edge (not the guitarist, the feel). They were a bunch of pissed-off Irishmen with a message and Bono could sing his ass off. Now, they sound like they've been eating too much room service. Any band that has "bartering world peace" on their resume needs a reality check. I need amnesty for my eardrums. And, someone tell Bono that names come in first AND last versions. Only pretentious nutsacks have mononyms.
7) Pearl Jam
Grunge music was rough, unrefined and angsty. Some good, hard-hitting hard rock came out of Seattle in the 90's. Then, Pearl Jam happened. I often wondered why every college band in the 90's covered Pearl Jam religiously; it's because their music was so lame that an amateur could master it. It was easy to sing with, too. All you had to do was eat a pound of cheese and 17 bananas and wait for the abdominal cramps to kick in. I have two words for Eddie Vedder: Chris fucking Cornell.
6) Guns 'n' Roses
Why didn't we collectively beat Axl Rose to a pulp the moment he started mewling on stage? Why did it take so long for people to start hucking beer bottles at his greasy head? Axl. The Badboy. Gimmie a break! He looked like Scott Farcas from "A Christmas Story." As for the band, Slash is the only one with any talent. But, anyone with a mononym is a posueur in my book, especially if he played guitar for Michael Jackson. That shoots your rock cred right in the nuts.
5) ZZ Top
Aside from videos with hot chicks and cool cars, what does ZZ Top have as its claim to fame? Long beards. Hey! Wanna hear something interesting? The guy without the beard...his last name is Beard. Hey! Wanna hear something else interesting? They still suck. SSDA. Same Shit, Different Album. That's why they called one of their albums "Recycler." At least they're honest.
4) Kiss
Listen to a rock station long enough and you'll hear a Kiss song. I'm not saying "a Kiss song" in general terms. I mean, you will hear but one, solitary Kiss song ever. It's a little toe-tapper called "I Wanna Rock And Roll All Night." Here's a little sampling of the lyrics:
"I wanna rock and roll all night and party every day.
I wanna rock and roll all night and party every day.
I wanna rock and roll all night and" -- wait for it -- "party every day."
They take a three-minute party anthem and make it feel like Ben Stein reciting the preamble to the Constitution.
Underneath it all, they were just another 70's cock-rock band. All they had with which to separate themselves from the rest was their stage show and clown makeup and big cow tongues. And, when they took the makeup off in the 80's -- in a shameless attempt at reinventing themselves -- the world took one look at Kiss unmasked and said, "eeew, put it back on."
3) Bruce Springsteen
Like we didn't have enough toxic waste coming out of New Jersey. The Boss? Of what? I always hear, "oh, he's such a great songwriter." Oh, he really isn't. His music is boring and his voice sucks. Sounds like he's trying to take a really big shit, or he's trying to out-gravel Joe Cocker. Yet, every time he's in the Big Apple, he sells out a week's worth of shows at Madison Square Garden. What does that say about New Yorkers that hasn't already been said?
2) The Grateful Dead
When I first heard the name, "The Grateful Dead," I was enchanted. Cool name. It harkens to something dark and edgy. Their fan art was awesome. Kinda twisted, kinda existential, kinda gothic, always with some melange of color and shape with the obligatory skull stuck in there for fun. And, the fans. Their fan base was loyal to the point of piety. Then, I heard them. And, when I woke from my torpor, I realized that massive doses of pot with acid do not make for good music. The only reason they toured so long was because they were too baked to know when to quit.
1) The Beatles
I can hear the gasps of horror. "What? He's not attacking The Beatles, is he?" You damn right, I am. They sucked. P.e.r.i.o.d. They were, and are the most highly overrated band on planet earth. These upjumped cockney poseurs practically invented the most soulless, bloodless abomination ever to be called music. Their contribution to the musical arts sits firmly between paint drying and corn growing. Yaw-fucking-n. And, none of them was particularly talented. Lennon was the only one who did shit with a solo career. The rest were abysmal flops.
Yet, every band since them has cited them as an influence. I don't think that it is because they all like The Beatles, I think that it's because The Beatles have been canonized as the patron saints of the music industry. Not to bow and scrape before the Fab Four is akin to blasphemy. It's like everyone is expected to like the Beatles just because they were the Beatles. You can make fun of Elvis until the cows come home, but the Beatles are sacrosanct.
They were the first musical act to be afforded deific levels of importance and credibility. I once read an article on Wikipedia where some Lennon-worshiping sycophant actually posited the idea that "Ticket to Ride" was the first heavy metal song. I'm sure the lads also stopped the Cuban missile crisis, helped the astronauts land on the moon, and invented velcro and Post-It notes between albums.
They were just bland and lame. Even when they "matured" as artists, they never got good, just weird. They went from heartless, predigested pop to pointless, meandering weirdness. Either way...wrong answer.
Why has "Back in Black" sold 49 million copies worldwide? Yeah, it's catchy and fun to crank up and piss off old people with, but, really? They're not that good. Brian Johnson sounds like Grover with laryngitis and Angus Young appears to have successfully scrambled his brain just like that "this is your brain on predictable hard rock" commercial. Angus isn't that good of a guitarist, either. I don't know how he gets credibility in that arena. I mean, he's better than me, but that's like saying that the local skater punk does a better kick-flip than me. In the end, who really gives a rat's ass about kick-flips except for skater punks?
9) Bob Dylan
Bob Dylan's iconic status should be the crux of every anti-drug program in America. Acid overdose is the only explanation for his popularity. You wanna know how to make fun of Bob Dylan? Just sing just like Bob Dylan. Got a little music tip for Bob: make the sound come out your mouth, not your nose. At least one good thing came out of his career: his five-second part in "We Are The World" is the one part that EVERYONE sings along with.
8) U2
In the early eighties, U2 had an edge (not the guitarist, the feel). They were a bunch of pissed-off Irishmen with a message and Bono could sing his ass off. Now, they sound like they've been eating too much room service. Any band that has "bartering world peace" on their resume needs a reality check. I need amnesty for my eardrums. And, someone tell Bono that names come in first AND last versions. Only pretentious nutsacks have mononyms.
7) Pearl Jam
Grunge music was rough, unrefined and angsty. Some good, hard-hitting hard rock came out of Seattle in the 90's. Then, Pearl Jam happened. I often wondered why every college band in the 90's covered Pearl Jam religiously; it's because their music was so lame that an amateur could master it. It was easy to sing with, too. All you had to do was eat a pound of cheese and 17 bananas and wait for the abdominal cramps to kick in. I have two words for Eddie Vedder: Chris fucking Cornell.
6) Guns 'n' Roses
Why didn't we collectively beat Axl Rose to a pulp the moment he started mewling on stage? Why did it take so long for people to start hucking beer bottles at his greasy head? Axl. The Badboy. Gimmie a break! He looked like Scott Farcas from "A Christmas Story." As for the band, Slash is the only one with any talent. But, anyone with a mononym is a posueur in my book, especially if he played guitar for Michael Jackson. That shoots your rock cred right in the nuts.
5) ZZ Top
Aside from videos with hot chicks and cool cars, what does ZZ Top have as its claim to fame? Long beards. Hey! Wanna hear something interesting? The guy without the beard...his last name is Beard. Hey! Wanna hear something else interesting? They still suck. SSDA. Same Shit, Different Album. That's why they called one of their albums "Recycler." At least they're honest.
4) Kiss
Listen to a rock station long enough and you'll hear a Kiss song. I'm not saying "a Kiss song" in general terms. I mean, you will hear but one, solitary Kiss song ever. It's a little toe-tapper called "I Wanna Rock And Roll All Night." Here's a little sampling of the lyrics:
"I wanna rock and roll all night and party every day.
I wanna rock and roll all night and party every day.
I wanna rock and roll all night and" -- wait for it -- "party every day."
They take a three-minute party anthem and make it feel like Ben Stein reciting the preamble to the Constitution.
Underneath it all, they were just another 70's cock-rock band. All they had with which to separate themselves from the rest was their stage show and clown makeup and big cow tongues. And, when they took the makeup off in the 80's -- in a shameless attempt at reinventing themselves -- the world took one look at Kiss unmasked and said, "eeew, put it back on."
3) Bruce Springsteen
Like we didn't have enough toxic waste coming out of New Jersey. The Boss? Of what? I always hear, "oh, he's such a great songwriter." Oh, he really isn't. His music is boring and his voice sucks. Sounds like he's trying to take a really big shit, or he's trying to out-gravel Joe Cocker. Yet, every time he's in the Big Apple, he sells out a week's worth of shows at Madison Square Garden. What does that say about New Yorkers that hasn't already been said?
2) The Grateful Dead
When I first heard the name, "The Grateful Dead," I was enchanted. Cool name. It harkens to something dark and edgy. Their fan art was awesome. Kinda twisted, kinda existential, kinda gothic, always with some melange of color and shape with the obligatory skull stuck in there for fun. And, the fans. Their fan base was loyal to the point of piety. Then, I heard them. And, when I woke from my torpor, I realized that massive doses of pot with acid do not make for good music. The only reason they toured so long was because they were too baked to know when to quit.
1) The Beatles
I can hear the gasps of horror. "What? He's not attacking The Beatles, is he?" You damn right, I am. They sucked. P.e.r.i.o.d. They were, and are the most highly overrated band on planet earth. These upjumped cockney poseurs practically invented the most soulless, bloodless abomination ever to be called music. Their contribution to the musical arts sits firmly between paint drying and corn growing. Yaw-fucking-n. And, none of them was particularly talented. Lennon was the only one who did shit with a solo career. The rest were abysmal flops.
Yet, every band since them has cited them as an influence. I don't think that it is because they all like The Beatles, I think that it's because The Beatles have been canonized as the patron saints of the music industry. Not to bow and scrape before the Fab Four is akin to blasphemy. It's like everyone is expected to like the Beatles just because they were the Beatles. You can make fun of Elvis until the cows come home, but the Beatles are sacrosanct.
They were the first musical act to be afforded deific levels of importance and credibility. I once read an article on Wikipedia where some Lennon-worshiping sycophant actually posited the idea that "Ticket to Ride" was the first heavy metal song. I'm sure the lads also stopped the Cuban missile crisis, helped the astronauts land on the moon, and invented velcro and Post-It notes between albums.
They were just bland and lame. Even when they "matured" as artists, they never got good, just weird. They went from heartless, predigested pop to pointless, meandering weirdness. Either way...wrong answer.
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