9) Anti-Vice Programs
It's kinda funny when self-appointed do-gooders try to save us from our addictions especially smoking. Most ads for smoking cessation programs are paid for by...the largest goddamn tobacco company in the world. Yeah, that'll work. Go to a grocery store and have the produce manager tell you about the hazards of pesticides. I'll bet there's subliminal messages in the ads ("no really, emphysema tickles. It's like an Elmo doll for your lungs"). As smarmy and heart-string-tuggy as they are, they can't compete with the lure of addiction. We'll start a new anti-heroin campaign: "stop jamming needles in your arm and frying your veins." It's an addiction! I love the casino ads: “Come here and win 7 billion dollars with one spin.” Then, in the smallest font that is still legally considered text, they have “Gambling Problem? Call 1-800-LOSE-BIG.” Pretty soon, we'll start seeing ads for politicians that say they actually care about their constituents...oh, wait. Aw, shit. Never mind.
8) Ultra-Bright Headlights
It's happened to you. You're driving along, minding your own business, obeying each and every traffic law to the letter (hey, this is a hypothetical, work with me, will you?) when "that guy" comes up on you. He had to brush up on his Spanish so he could go to AutoZone and get those brand-spanking new headlights for his Honda Civic. You know the ones I'm talking about...the one's with three beams: high beams, really high beams, and Imperial fucking Death Star blaster beams. The kind that can fade your paint job. The kind that put out light that would give Theodore Maiman a boner. He got them so he could see better, you know, to be safer. It's okay that he's toasting your retinas because he can see just fine. God forbid it's raining out and the light reflects off the road like one of those foil board things that you see hot chicks in the movies using to tan their under-chin areas (do those really exist?) Is it really safe to have lights so bright that NASA calls you up to bitch about them? It's like when the sweaty, hairy leather-laminated dirtbag on the Harley says he has loud exhaust pipes to save lives and not just to be an obnoxious, attention-whore douchebag.
7) Safety Signs/Slogans
What makes people think that a pedantic little placard plastered over your workstation will keep you from being a dip-shit? Oh, yeah, it's cheaper than actual training. Remember when your parents left you alone in the house for the first time? What did they say to you? “Behave." Everyone said the same thing in an innocent, almost bored deadpan: “I will." Meanwhile, you were chomping at the bit, trying to look bored out of your mind, just waiting for the car door to slam outside before your raided the old man's liquor cabinet and snooped around for his hidden titty magazine collection. “Drive safely?” Whew! Thanks for reminding me, I was planning on chugging a fifth of gin and driving to Jersey backwards at night. “Don't tailgate?” I was so gonna ride me some minivan ass, but, you showed me the light. Thank you inanimate sign!
As proof of their ineffectiveness, the warnings have only gotten sterner over the years. It used to be stuff like "Safety First" and "Arrive Alive". Now it's "You're a Useless Fucking Piece of Child-Murdering Subhuman Shit if you Don't Wear Your Seat-Belt." Regardless of how macabre you make the message, we ignore it. Because, when you're faced with cutting a 2-by-4 and the blade guard on your saw makes it take an extra three seconds to make the cut, you say, “fuck it, I don't need all ten fingers. As long as I have enough to pick my nose and flip people off, I'm good.”
6) Are you sure you want to do that?
We got anti-virus software, anti-malware, anti-spam, anti-rootkit, firewalls...the average computer can't scratch it's digital ass without something getting in the way. You would think our computers would be as impregnable as Fort Knox or Rosie O'donnel. And, yet, bad bit bugs proliferate like geeks at a Star Trek convention. Why? Because the weak link in the chain is the mouth-breathing dumbass wiping the Cheeto's grease off the keyboard.
The typical infection scenario goes something like this: you want to download the latest celebrity sex tape. You click on the link and POOF, the warning pops up. “SuperMegaUltra Security Suite has detected a potential hazard. Lethal.DriveFucker.WTF.exe is a potentially malicious program.” You look at it. "Threat level: moderate." Well, we've been at a moderate threat level since 9/11 and there haven't been any attacks since. You stare back at the warning, then at that thumbnail of that phenomenal Kardashian rack, then back to the warning. Threat level, moderate. Erection level, severe. Click. Boom. Before you know it, your computer has more viruses than the "actress" in the movie you were trying to download. Stupid succeeds every time it's tried.
5) School Buses
A school bus used to be a big, boxy diesel-powered juggernaut that hauled your snot-nosed brat to school. Now it's like the Pink Floyd light show grew wheels. They got big red lights and strobes and flip out "Stop" signs and that big swinging cow-pusher thing to keep your cross-eyed little nitwit from crawling under the front of a twenty-ton truck. What's next, a fireworks show? A platoon of armed crossing guards hops out and blocks the road? You could give it goddamn deflector shields, it won't matter. There's still gonna be that one dick who's hopped up on Amp and last-night's Nascar race that is going to try to pass a stopped bus. Dicks cut in line...because they're dicks. That's kinda why we call them that. It ain't rocket science. There will always be dicks in the world and they will always make the world a little less safe until we invent a high-tech dick deterrent device...of course, that may involve rocket science, or at least some basic ballistics.
4) Child-Proofing
The contraptions that we come up with to keep our kids from getting into our grown-up shit are hilarious. It's like OSHA hired Rube Goldberg. The funny thing is that nothing actually stops the kids from doing what you don't want them to do. The kids will find a way in, simply because they really, really want to, and they have all that time that you're at work to practice. Most kids are actually better at getting into the goodies than the adults are. How long does Granny fumble with the pain-pill jar with her twisted, knobby, arthritic fingers before she says “fuck it” and hands it off to little Billy, who's already figured out the latest XBox hack in between potty training sessions and nap time?
Lighters with little flip things don't actually stop someone from making fire, they just add another step to the process. And, they also tick off smokers who are kinda cranky and twitchy already. Getting between one and his smoky-treats is like getting between a momma bear and her cubs.
3) Accident Avoidance Systems
Airbags are a wonderful invention designed to keep you from scrambling your egg in an accident. They're one of those safety features that helps you "just in case." It's not like you're gonna do a General Lee jump over some hay bales just to see if your active restraint system actually works. Antilock brakes and 4WD, too, are good things to have, but they do take things one more step away from driver control. Some people think that 4WD will prevent them slip-sliding all over the road, regardless of the weather. Yes, Virginia, ice is still slippery. It's not like your transmission will hop off the car and go throw salt out on the road. But, it's still a "helper" to keep you safe, as long as you recognize it's limitations.
Now, your ultra-pricey import can come equipped with a state-of-the-art computer controlled super-duper high-tech system thingy that will slam on your brakes for you if something gets too close. It's like an R2 unit for your Benz. Cool, right? Fuck that. Advances in technology don't give you an excuse to be a shitty driver. As for high-tech crap, modern technology can't keep your laptop from locking up at random, do you really want to trust a machine to avoid that suicidal deer that just hopped in front of you? Do you really want to give Joe Sixpack an excuse to get shitfaced and see if his Robo-Chauffer system will keep him between the lines? I'll be taking the bus.
2) Warning Labels
I don't even have to spoof labels. They're spoofs on their own. They're gubment's attempt to idiot-proof the world. The problem is that idiocy will always win, because, unlike common sense, there is no lower limit to it. No matter how dumbed-down you make something, there will be a knuckle-dragger that's dimwitted enough to Limbo right under that low bar you set. Sorry, but any shithead that puts contraceptive jelly on her toast deserves the stomach pumping as well as a whole shit tank full of public derision.
1) Flu shots
Wanna keep from getting sick? Sure, we all do. So, how do you do it? Well, you can exercise, eat healthy, get lots of rest, and take a needle full of the very viruses that you're trying to avoid and jab that fucker right into your arm. Ummm, wait. No. What?
Yeah. That's a flu shot. Dead viruses in a syringe. It's okay, they're dead. Little unicellular corpses to stick in your vein. Fun, except that some of them are not quite dead. Maybe they're just wounded. Maybe...they're undead! Rhinoviral zombies shambling through your blood vessels, biting the heads off your corpuscles and eating their tiny little hemoglobin brains.
Getting a flu shot is like sleeping with a hooker that used to have the clap but she swears she's clear now. Yeah, no. When it was immunization for the kind of viral fuckers that killed or maimed you, like polio or smallpox, it made sense. But it's the flu. You sneeze, you feel like shit and you get over it. Take some time off work and catch up on your TiVo. Also, the strain of the maybe-dead virus they stick you with depends on what the CDC thinks will be the threat that year. CDC. Centers for Disease Control. Part of the Department of Health and Human Services. The government...SUPER reliable source, there. They totally hit the Swine Flu thing on the head (I think I had a touch of that myself). Thanks, but no. I'll stick with vitamin C.
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