Bumper Sticker Poem

The backs of cars you're annotating

With slogans very irritating.

With your bumper, communicating

Stupid phrases that I'm hating.

Don't care about your stupid dog,

Don't care about your Harley Hog.

Don't care 'bout honor student's behavior,

Or who's your personal Lord and Savior.

I don't care if you joined PETA,

Or if you're a deer-hunting meat-eater.

A family line-up is unnecessary.

Don't really care if you're a fairy.

Your church, your lodge, where you stay fit,

Frankly, I don't give a shit.

Penn State, 'Bama, Notre Dame,

Calm down, dude, it's just a game.

I don't care for whom you voted.

"Shit happens?" Yeah, already noted.

NASCAR on your car enshrined?

Methinks you IQ's way behind.

Awareness rainbow proudly showing,

But it's your own horn you're blowing.

Maybe there's some point I'm missin'

with that kid that's always pissin'.

I won't "Cowboy Up," won't "Coexist,"

Won't "Git-R-Done," I'm getting pissed.

Don't tell me to "Arrive Alive."

Don't tell me to "Hang Up And Drive."

"Bad Boy Club?" You must be joking.

Your license they ought to be revoking.

Gang-sign stickers and grenade decals?

Nobody's impressed but your loser pals.

Claim to be a "Princess" or a "Bitch?"

You should drive a broom, pretentious witch.

"Real Trucks Rattle" with Cummins diesel?

Compensating for a little weasel?

Team Jake or Edward? Do me a favor:

Steer your car underneath a paver.

Going Green and saving whales?

I hope your transmission fails.

Jesus fish or Darwin's critter,

Folks like you just make me bitter.

Your Alma Mater, your "vay-cay" spot?

Tolerate you, I cannot.

"Feel Your Boobies" all you want,

To me, you're driving's an affront.

On your window, "Rest In Peace?"

Great place to honor late Aunt Bernice.

Gun-Rights dude is packing heat,

God's copilot's changing seats.

A "Jeep Thing" I wouldn't understand?

From driving you should be banned.

"Wag more, Bark less" and "Mean people suck,"

Screw your "Random acts," you schmuck.

"Soccer Mom's Taxi" with "Baby on board."

For cheesiness, that must be a record.

Don't care 'bout your "other car,"

Don't care 'bout your favorite bar.

Don't care 'bout what you "heart,"

Don't care 'bout Dale Earnhardt.

Stupid stickers everywhere,

"If you can read this," I don't care.

With me, I'm sure some will bicker, but

HONK IF YOU HATE BUMPER STICKERS!

Generic Commercial Script

The scene opens in a room where a man is <insert stereotypical knuckle-dragging male behavior here>.

Cut to a woman leaning against the doorway, arms crossed, a condescending smile on her face.

Cut back to the man, who shrugs and smiles like an ape with his thumb stuck up his ass.

Cut back to woman, who shakes her head, pats him on the shoulder, and hands him <insert product name here> which magically counteracts his male stupidity.

They share a knowing smile and a nod, and all is right with the world.

Top Ten Food Rules

Rule #1: Microwave ovens are evil. Microwave radiation is useful for transmitting data across long distances, not for heating food. The phrase "nuke it" ought to be a clue.

Rule #2: Butter and margarine are not interchangeable. Butter is a luxuriant, subtly flavored gift to humanity; when Moses spake of "milk" in "the land of milk and honey" he really meant "butter." If butter were more solid, we would eat it with a fork. Margarine is good for lubricating wheel bearings.

Rule #3: Pasta sauce. That red stuff that you put on top of pasta is not called "gravy," it's called "sauce." I don't give a rat's ass what great-uncle Vinnie Baggaducci from Brooklyn says: "Gravy" is thickened meat juice that you drown your mashed potatoes in. "Sauce" is what you put on pasta. And, yes, it's called "pasta," not "macaroni." "Macaroni" is what you put cheese on. Get it right.

Rule #4: Teflon is evil. Teflon is a serendipitous invention resulting from an accident at DuPont. It's a really cool polymer but it does not belong on cookware. Teflon is plastic. Plastic burns when you heat it. Any twelve-year-old boy with a lighter knows that. Save Teflon for waterproofing.

Rule #5: American foods suck. Capitalism is great for the economy, but it's a bitch in the kitchen. Concepts like "buy cheap and sell dear" and "let the buyer beware" do not make for fine cuisine. American bread? Put on a pillowcase and take a nap. American cheese? Nothing says "yum" like the words "pasteurized process cheese product." American beer? Journalist H. Allen Smith brilliantly summed up American beer after he tried his first one when he said: "Put it back in the horse!"

Rule #6: Advertisers are a pack of lying snot-bags. "Home-style" soup from a can. I'm laughing too hard to come up with anything to type for that one.

Rule #7: Stop overcooking meat. Food poisoning is no fun, but apparently the USDA would like us all to eat hockey pucks. Anything beyond medium-rare ought to be illegal.

Rule #8: Aluminum cookware is evil. The only aluminum that belongs in the kitchen is in the form of foil. Two words: cast iron.

Rule #9: Salt is NEVER optional. Eat salt. Your brain needs it. Ancient Romans used to pay their soldiers with it; that's where we get the word "salary." Most importantly, food sucks without it. Stop being a pussy and just use the damn salt!

Rule #10: Coffee is the most important substance on earth. Forget petroleum or penicillin or computers, caffeine is the only reason that we do not live in the Stone Age. Wanna start a war? Disrupt the flow of oil. Wanna start Armageddon? Fuck with coffee.

Blog

Here's my blog. I'm blogging. I'm a blogger. Bloggin' away. Yay, blog! I thought it would be more interesting than this. With a name like blog, why would I expect excitement? Blog is kind of a stupid word. Kinda *feh*. Sounds vaguely scatological. What bugs me is that the spell-checker on my blog keeps flagging the word "blog" as misspelled. Umm, in the dictionary under "conundrum," it says see "conundrum."

Anyway, here's my blog.