I used to spend a lot of time posting my writing on peer-review websites; some were open forums where you post your work and let the criticisms fall where they may, while others have all kinds of convoluted rules and contrived ranking systems for reviewing work. All of these sites share a common thread. These websites are home to a magnificent menagerie of creative critters. Here's a sampling of what you might find:
Common Name: The Copy Editor
Scientific Name: Anus retentus
Other Names: Nit-Picker, The Grammar Nazi
Habitat: www.merriam-webster.com
Diet: The King's English
Favorite Genres: Nonfiction, especially obscure textbooks
Distinguishing Traits: Critiques your critiques. Color-codes your mistakes for easy derision. Thinks that IM-Speak should be a capital offense.
Most Common Quote: “Would it kill you to run a spell-check once in awhile?”
Common Name: The Gentle Soul
Scientific Name: Epidermis minimus
Other Names: Deer In The Headlights, Fresh Meat
Habitat: A cozy, sunlit reading nook, surrounded by plush throw-pillows, a few cats, and several thousand Harlequin paperbacks
Diet: Attention
Favorite Genres: Romance, serial romance, historical romance, teen romance
Distinguishing Traits: Wouldn't know an adverb from an aardvark. Qualifies everything as “semi-autobiographical” to defray criticism.
Most Common Quote: “Excuse my bad grammer. Please be nice :)”
Common Name: The Friend
Scientific Name: Proboscis fecalus
Other Names: Everyone's Bestie, Brown-Noser, Suck-Up, Ass-Kisser
Habitat: Peer-review writing websites, but it thinks it's on Facebook
Diet: Attention
Favorite Genres: Whatever genre you like
Distinguishing Traits: Says nothing negative about your work, even if it's written backwards with no punctuation. Will block you if you say anything less supportive than “I loved it!”
Most Common Quote: “I loved it!”
Common Name: The Downtrodden
Scientific Name: Goth Chick, Anger Chick, Emo Chick
Other Names: Sullenia dismalus
Habitat: Darkness
Diet: Despair
Favorite Genres: Anything about drugs, rape or suicide
Distinguishing Traits: Knows 34 synonyms for the color black. Builds shrines to Marilyn Manson. “My Immortal” is its mating call. Thinks that "Team Edward vs. Team Jacob" counts as sociopolitical discourse.
Most Common Quote: "Whatever. Nothing matters anyway."
Common Name: The Commando
Scientific Name: Cranium carnitus
Other Names: GI Joe, Jarhead, Sarge
Habitat: Hiding in the bushes with a high-powered rifle
Diet: Blood 'n' guts
Favorite Genres: War, war and war
Distinguishing Traits: Won't describe what its characters look like or where they are, but will detail every firearm down to its muzzle velocity. Uses military jargon in its critiques. Thinks that its detailed depiction of the proper disassembling and cleaning of an M1 Carbine ought to count as Romance.
Most Common Quote: “Booyah!”
Common Name: The Kid
Scientific Name: Studentus desperatus
Other Names: Newbie, Punk
Habitat: Junior-high
Diet: Its own fingernails
Favorite Genres: Whatever the teacher said it was supposed to be
Distinguishing Traits: The only amateur writer who actually wants help from other writers and is not just fishing for steaming piles of praise for its work. Desperately needs help because the English assignment is due in a couple of days. Will plagiarize anything not nailed down.
Most Common Quote: “PLEEZE HELP!!!”
Common Name: The Creep
Scientific Name: Mentalus unstabilius
Other Names: Anger Boy, In Need Of Medication
Habitat: Seedy bars, porn shops and probably in the alley outside your building
Diet: Quentin Tarantino films
Favorite Genres: Any book with the words “Blood”, “Rage”, or “Death” in the title
Distinguishing Traits: Sprinkles violence into its stories like salt on french fries. Without profanity, it would have no dialogue. Probably on a watch-list somewhere. Thinks that its detailed depiction of a guy smashing a girl's brains in with a nine-iron and then feeling-up her corpse ought to count as Romance.
Most Common Quote: Who really gives a crap what it has to say?
Common Name: The Artiste
Scientific Name: Thesaurus rex
Other Names: Adjective Jockey, Poseur
Habitat: The library basement
Diet: Really long, pretentious words that even English majors have to look up
Favorite Genres: Anything by a long-dead neoclassical author that nobody reads anymore
Distinguishing Traits: Uses writing as a vehicle to expurgate the shadowy nuances of its innermost feelings rather than to write something that somebody would actually want to read. Thinks that plotting is for weenies. Takes “I don't get it” as a compliment.
Most Common Quote: "Genius is always misunderstood in its own time."
Common Name: The Elf-Lord
Scientific Name: Socialus inepticus
Other Names: Geek, Nerd, Dork, Weirdo Up The Street
Habitat: Middle-Earth; vacations in Narnia
Diet: Mutton and mead
Favorite Genres: Anything with a sword
Distinguishing Traits: Foregoes a word-processor for papyrus and a quill. Writes pub scenes so it can use the word “wench” without getting slapped. Still working on the epoch-spanning fantasy epic that it started in college. Wonders if "dodecalogy" is a real word.
Most Common Quote: "Ho, there, yon weary traveler."
Common Name: The Trekkie
Scientific Name: Socialus inepticus rex
Other Names: Major Geek, Major Nerd, Major Dork, IT Specialist
Habitat: Conventions, comic book stores, Mom's basement
Diet: Cheetos and Red Bull
Favorite Genres: Anything with a laser
Distinguishing Traits: Plastic pointy ears and a V-shaped salute. Bilingual; it speaks both Klingon and Romulan. Spends more time describing aliens than developing a story.
Most Common Quote: "That's an interesting concept, but, technically, it's impossible. You see, Newton's Third Law says that..."
Common Name: The Anointed One
Scientific Name: Sanctimonius maximus
Other Names: Dirty-Rotten-Miserable-No-Good-Rat-Bastard-Pain-In-The-Ass-Demonspawn-From-Hell-Know-It-All-Elitist-Snob-Sonofabitch
Habitat: Every single peer-review website on the internet
Diet: Other amateur writers
Favorite Genres: The master of all literary genres, known and unknown
Distinguishing Traits: Self-appointed Jedi Overlord of the written word. Trained at the Simon Cowell School of Sensitivity. Thinks that “constructive criticism" is an oxymoron. Will spend more time eviscerating your work than you spent writing it. Hasn't posted anything in years because nobody else is worthy to offer salient criticism of its work.
Most Common Quote: Like it would ever be so cliché as to repeat something.
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