Field Guide to Amateur Writers

I used to spend a lot of time posting my writing on peer-review websites; some were open forums where you post your work and let the criticisms fall where they may, while others have all kinds of convoluted rules and contrived ranking systems for reviewing work. All of these sites share a common thread. These websites are home to a magnificent menagerie of creative critters. Here's a sampling of what you might find:

Common Name:   The Copy Editor

Scientific Name:    Anus retentus

Other Names:    Nit-Picker, The Grammar Nazi

Habitat:   www.merriam-webster.com

Diet:   The King's English

Favorite Genres:    Nonfiction, especially obscure textbooks

Distinguishing Traits:   Critiques your critiques. Color-codes your mistakes for easy derision. Thinks that IM-Speak should be a capital offense.

Most Common Quote:   “Would it kill you to run a spell-check once in awhile?”

Common Name:    The Gentle Soul

Scientific Name:   Epidermis minimus

Other Names:   Deer In The Headlights, Fresh Meat

Habitat:    A cozy, sunlit reading nook, surrounded by plush throw-pillows, a few cats, and several thousand Harlequin paperbacks

Diet:    Attention

Favorite Genres:    Romance, serial romance, historical romance, teen romance

Distinguishing Traits:    Wouldn't know an adverb from an aardvark. Qualifies everything as “semi-autobiographical” to defray criticism.

Most Common Quote:   “Excuse my bad grammer. Please be nice :)”

Common Name:    The Friend

Scientific Name:    Proboscis fecalus

Other Names:    Everyone's Bestie, Brown-Noser, Suck-Up, Ass-Kisser

Habitat:    Peer-review writing websites, but it thinks it's on Facebook

Diet:   Attention

Favorite Genres:    Whatever genre you like

Distinguishing Traits:    Says nothing negative about your work, even if it's written backwards with no punctuation. Will block you if you say anything less supportive than “I loved it!”

Most Common Quote:   “I loved it!”

Common Name:   The Downtrodden

Scientific Name:    Goth Chick, Anger Chick, Emo Chick

Other Names:    Sullenia dismalus

Habitat:    Darkness

Diet:    Despair

Favorite Genres:    Anything about drugs, rape or suicide

Distinguishing Traits:    Knows 34 synonyms for the color black. Builds shrines to Marilyn Manson. “My Immortal” is its mating call. Thinks that "Team Edward vs. Team Jacob" counts as sociopolitical discourse.

Most Common Quote:   "Whatever. Nothing matters anyway."

Common Name:    The Commando

Scientific Name:    Cranium carnitus

Other Names:    GI Joe, Jarhead, Sarge

Habitat:    Hiding in the bushes with a high-powered rifle

Diet:    Blood 'n' guts

Favorite Genres:    War, war and war

Distinguishing Traits:    Won't describe what its characters look like or where they are, but will detail every firearm down to its muzzle velocity. Uses military jargon in its critiques. Thinks that its detailed depiction of the proper disassembling and cleaning of an M1 Carbine ought to count as Romance.

Most Common Quote:   “Booyah!”

Common Name:    The Kid

Scientific Name:    Studentus desperatus

Other Names:    Newbie, Punk

Habitat:    Junior-high

Diet:    Its own fingernails

Favorite Genres:    Whatever the teacher said it was supposed to be

Distinguishing Traits:    The only amateur writer who actually wants help from other writers and is not just fishing for steaming piles of praise for its work. Desperately needs help because the English assignment is due in a couple of days. Will plagiarize anything not nailed down.

Most Common Quote:   “PLEEZE HELP!!!”

Common Name:    The Creep

Scientific Name:    Mentalus unstabilius

Other Names:    Anger Boy, In Need Of Medication

Habitat:    Seedy bars, porn shops and probably in the alley outside your building

Diet:    Quentin Tarantino films

Favorite Genres:    Any book with the words “Blood”, “Rage”, or “Death” in the title

Distinguishing Traits:    Sprinkles violence into its stories like salt on french fries. Without profanity, it would have no dialogue. Probably on a watch-list somewhere. Thinks that its detailed depiction of a guy smashing a girl's brains in with a nine-iron and then feeling-up her corpse ought to count as Romance.

Most Common Quote:   Who really gives a crap what it has to say?

Common Name:    The Artiste

Scientific Name:    Thesaurus rex

Other Names:    Adjective Jockey, Poseur

Habitat:    The library basement

Diet:    Really long, pretentious words that even English majors have to look up

Favorite Genres:    Anything by a long-dead neoclassical author that nobody reads anymore

Distinguishing Traits:    Uses writing as a vehicle to expurgate the shadowy nuances of its innermost feelings rather than to write something that somebody would actually want to read. Thinks that plotting is for weenies. Takes “I don't get it” as a compliment.

Most Common Quote:   "Genius is always misunderstood in its own time."

Common Name:    The Elf-Lord

Scientific Name:    Socialus inepticus

Other Names:    Geek, Nerd, Dork, Weirdo Up The Street

Habitat:    Middle-Earth; vacations in Narnia

Diet:    Mutton and mead

Favorite Genres:    Anything with a sword

Distinguishing Traits:    Foregoes a word-processor for papyrus and a quill. Writes pub scenes so it can use the word “wench” without getting slapped. Still working on the epoch-spanning fantasy epic that it started in college. Wonders if "dodecalogy" is a real word.

Most Common Quote:   "Ho, there, yon weary traveler."

Common Name:    The Trekkie

Scientific Name:    Socialus inepticus rex

Other Names:    Major Geek, Major Nerd, Major Dork, IT Specialist

Habitat:    Conventions, comic book stores, Mom's basement

Diet:    Cheetos and Red Bull

Favorite Genres:    Anything with a laser

Distinguishing Traits:    Plastic pointy ears and a V-shaped salute. Bilingual; it speaks both Klingon and Romulan. Spends more time describing aliens than developing a story.

Most Common Quote:   "That's an interesting concept, but, technically, it's impossible. You see, Newton's Third Law says that..."

Common Name:    The Anointed One

Scientific Name:    Sanctimonius maximus

Other Names:   Dirty-Rotten-Miserable-No-Good-Rat-Bastard-Pain-In-The-Ass-Demonspawn-From-Hell-Know-It-All-Elitist-Snob-Sonofabitch

Habitat:   Every single peer-review website on the internet

Diet:    Other amateur writers

Favorite Genres:    The master of all literary genres, known and unknown

Distinguishing Traits:    Self-appointed Jedi Overlord of the written word. Trained at the Simon Cowell School of Sensitivity. Thinks that “constructive criticism" is an oxymoron. Will spend more time eviscerating your work than you spent writing it. Hasn't posted anything in years because nobody else is worthy to offer salient criticism of its work.

Most Common Quote:   Like it would ever be so cliché as to repeat something.

Bumper Sticker Poem

The backs of cars you're annotating

With slogans very irritating.

With your bumper, communicating

Stupid phrases that I'm hating.

Don't care about your stupid dog,

Don't care about your Harley Hog.

Don't care 'bout honor student's behavior,

Or who's your personal Lord and Savior.

I don't care if you joined PETA,

Or if you're a deer-hunting meat-eater.

A family line-up is unnecessary.

Don't really care if you're a fairy.

Your church, your lodge, where you stay fit,

Frankly, I don't give a shit.

Penn State, 'Bama, Notre Dame,

Calm down, dude, it's just a game.

I don't care for whom you voted.

"Shit happens?" Yeah, already noted.

NASCAR on your car enshrined?

Methinks you IQ's way behind.

Awareness rainbow proudly showing,

But it's your own horn you're blowing.

Maybe there's some point I'm missin'

with that kid that's always pissin'.

I won't "Cowboy Up," won't "Coexist,"

Won't "Git-R-Done," I'm getting pissed.

Don't tell me to "Arrive Alive."

Don't tell me to "Hang Up And Drive."

"Bad Boy Club?" You must be joking.

Your license they ought to be revoking.

Gang-sign stickers and grenade decals?

Nobody's impressed but your loser pals.

Claim to be a "Princess" or a "Bitch?"

You should drive a broom, pretentious witch.

"Real Trucks Rattle" with Cummins diesel?

Compensating for a little weasel?

Team Jake or Edward? Do me a favor:

Steer your car underneath a paver.

Going Green and saving whales?

I hope your transmission fails.

Jesus fish or Darwin's critter,

Folks like you just make me bitter.

Your Alma Mater, your "vay-cay" spot?

Tolerate you, I cannot.

"Feel Your Boobies" all you want,

To me, you're driving's an affront.

On your window, "Rest In Peace?"

Great place to honor late Aunt Bernice.

Gun-Rights dude is packing heat,

God's copilot's changing seats.

A "Jeep Thing" I wouldn't understand?

From driving you should be banned.

"Wag more, Bark less" and "Mean people suck,"

Screw your "Random acts," you schmuck.

"Soccer Mom's Taxi" with "Baby on board."

For cheesiness, that must be a record.

Don't care 'bout your "other car,"

Don't care 'bout your favorite bar.

Don't care 'bout what you "heart,"

Don't care 'bout Dale Earnhardt.

Stupid stickers everywhere,

"If you can read this," I don't care.

With me, I'm sure some will bicker, but

HONK IF YOU HATE BUMPER STICKERS!

Generic Commercial Script

The scene opens in a room where a man is <insert stereotypical knuckle-dragging male behavior here>.

Cut to a woman leaning against the doorway, arms crossed, a condescending smile on her face.

Cut back to the man, who shrugs and smiles like an ape with his thumb stuck up his ass.

Cut back to woman, who shakes her head, pats him on the shoulder, and hands him <insert product name here> which magically counteracts his male stupidity.

They share a knowing smile and a nod, and all is right with the world.

Top Ten Food Rules

Rule #1: Microwave ovens are evil. Microwave radiation is useful for transmitting data across long distances, not for heating food. The phrase "nuke it" ought to be a clue.

Rule #2: Butter and margarine are not interchangeable. Butter is a luxuriant, subtly flavored gift to humanity; when Moses spake of "milk" in "the land of milk and honey" he really meant "butter." If butter were more solid, we would eat it with a fork. Margarine is good for lubricating wheel bearings.

Rule #3: Pasta sauce. That red stuff that you put on top of pasta is not called "gravy," it's called "sauce." I don't give a rat's ass what great-uncle Vinnie Baggaducci from Brooklyn says: "Gravy" is thickened meat juice that you drown your mashed potatoes in. "Sauce" is what you put on pasta. And, yes, it's called "pasta," not "macaroni." "Macaroni" is what you put cheese on. Get it right.

Rule #4: Teflon is evil. Teflon is a serendipitous invention resulting from an accident at DuPont. It's a really cool polymer but it does not belong on cookware. Teflon is plastic. Plastic burns when you heat it. Any twelve-year-old boy with a lighter knows that. Save Teflon for waterproofing.

Rule #5: American foods suck. Capitalism is great for the economy, but it's a bitch in the kitchen. Concepts like "buy cheap and sell dear" and "let the buyer beware" do not make for fine cuisine. American bread? Put on a pillowcase and take a nap. American cheese? Nothing says "yum" like the words "pasteurized process cheese product." American beer? Journalist H. Allen Smith brilliantly summed up American beer after he tried his first one when he said: "Put it back in the horse!"

Rule #6: Advertisers are a pack of lying snot-bags. "Home-style" soup from a can. I'm laughing too hard to come up with anything to type for that one.

Rule #7: Stop overcooking meat. Food poisoning is no fun, but apparently the USDA would like us all to eat hockey pucks. Anything beyond medium-rare ought to be illegal.

Rule #8: Aluminum cookware is evil. The only aluminum that belongs in the kitchen is in the form of foil. Two words: cast iron.

Rule #9: Salt is NEVER optional. Eat salt. Your brain needs it. Ancient Romans used to pay their soldiers with it; that's where we get the word "salary." Most importantly, food sucks without it. Stop being a pussy and just use the damn salt!

Rule #10: Coffee is the most important substance on earth. Forget petroleum or penicillin or computers, caffeine is the only reason that we do not live in the Stone Age. Wanna start a war? Disrupt the flow of oil. Wanna start Armageddon? Fuck with coffee.

Blog

Here's my blog. I'm blogging. I'm a blogger. Bloggin' away. Yay, blog! I thought it would be more interesting than this. With a name like blog, why would I expect excitement? Blog is kind of a stupid word. Kinda *feh*. Sounds vaguely scatological. What bugs me is that the spell-checker on my blog keeps flagging the word "blog" as misspelled. Umm, in the dictionary under "conundrum," it says see "conundrum."

Anyway, here's my blog.